leave me alone.

Do you ever find yourself in that mindset of not wanting to actually spend time or grow in your relationship with the Lord? I know – it sounds so bad. But I’ve had these times. When I’m spent. When I’m wrestling with desires of my heart that haven’t been met. When I’m comfortable with where I am. I just don’t FEEL a stirring or a drawing to sit in His presence. I don’t FEEL ready to open His Word with the expectation of hearing His voice. I may not even WANT to hear His voice.

Every relationship has moments of feeling the need for space. You know those one-liners: “I need a minute.” “I just need some space.” “I feel like I’m suffocating.” “It would be so great to have just one hour, one day, one week to myself.” “This is too much; I need a break.”

Here’s the thing: There is no where I can run to – in my mind or physically – where my God and my Redeemer won’t find me.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you. (Psalm 139:7-12 NIV)

One of the most referenced stories in scripture on this subject is Jonah. With Jonah’s story, there seems to be so much focus on the boat, the storm, the fish, being in the fish… but all these highlights from the story seem to cause the end of this story to become a bit fuzzy and overlooked!

Skipping toward the end of the story of Jonah, we finally see Jonah obeying the word of the Lord and going to Nineveh and speaking the message God asked him to proclaim to the city. The city and king of Nineveh heard Jonah and they called on God, gave up and turned from evil and violence. The last verse in chapter 3 is the happy ending we all hope for: God relented and did not bring destruction onto Nineveh! (Jonah 3:3-10 NIV)

At this point, you would think that Jonah would be throwing a party, praising God, and celebrating that Nineveh listened and turned from their evil and violent ways. Not to mention, God used him in such an extraordinary way, honestly, he could have even become full of pride and boast that he helped an entire city turn to God.

But here is Jonah’s reaction:

“But to Jonah this seemed very wrong, and he became angry.” (Jonah 4:1 NIV)

What??

…That’s crazy! He even took his anger a few steps further. He prayed to the Lord, complaining that he knew all along that God would have compassion on the city, which – he explains – is why he tried to go to Tarshish instead. He didn’t want to see God remove his judgment from Nineveh. Wow!

He continues to tell God to take away his life, because it is better for him to die than to live! When he finished his prayer, he went outside of the city, set up camp, and sat to wait and see what would happen to the city next. It’s like he was waiting for them to turn from God again, for God to destroy them, and then have a celebration for that!

This sounds crazy when we read it, but how true is it that we also get frustrated when it seems like other people around us are living in abundance, or seem to have the perfect lives, or certainly don’t ever have a bad day, or look perfect all the time. We become jealous, judgmental, and even angry with God.

Why is it that they always seem to have enough time, money, happiness, vacations, the list goes on? Or, they have friends, family, spouse, kids, and I don’t. They have what I want. They keep getting everything, and I get nothing.

We are having the same attitude that Jonah had toward Nineveh when we allow comparison and judgmental thoughts to be our focus.

Now… there is so much to unpack with this story, but there is one thing that really hit me.

Amidst all of Jonah’s complaining, running away, and literally wanting Nineveh to be destroyed, God was SO patient and merciful with Jonah. Jonah clearly didn’t realize it, but he was receiving the same mercy that caused God to withhold destruction from Nineveh! He was so upset and angry about the mercy Nineveh received, his conversation with God included a few requests for Him to take his life!

Just for a moment of comic relief, I can only imagine what God was thinking looking down on Jonah as he cried out “Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.” (Jonah 4:3 NIV) and again in verse 9, “…I’m so angry I wish I were dead.” 

I wonder if God was just sitting in Heaven laughing out loud at Jonah’s dramatic plea? Or maybe he was slowly shaking his head back and forth, just waiting for Jonah to finish his long “justification” for his actions and thoughts, as if God didn’t already know… silly Jonah.

But in God’s mercy, he patiently asked Jonah if it was right for him to be angry. God continued to show his care and love for Jonah by growing a shade plant over his head when he was in the scorching sun. Through the end of the book of Jonah, God displayed his mercy and grace in love, while still gently teaching Jonah to show that same love and mercy for others.

Did Jonah actually want to die??  It’s possible, but the way this story is portrayed, I don’t think so.

Do I actually want God to leave me? No.

In my soul, I don’t actually want God to let me run away or leave me alone. But time and time again, I fight a battle in my mind when the circumstances of my life or my surroundings overwhelm me to the point of shutting down instead of clinging to Jesus. I choose to run AWAY from the one relationship that can provide comfort, restoration, and unconditional love, instead of running TO Him.

God lavishes His faithfulness and His mercy to us every time we run away. Each time we shut down and pull away from Him and His love. Each time we become jealous over what others have that we don’t. If we would allow this to be a reminder of who He is and how vastly He outweighs, out-gives, out-loves, out-does anyone or anything else, maybe the next time we feel the urge to run, we stay. We run TO Him, not away. We cling to Him and His truth, instead of allowing our mind to spiral away.

He is the ONE thing we can count on. He is ALWAYS there. He will ALWAYS find us, wherever we go.

Meditate on Psalm 139.