no one wants to talk about it
Singleness. If it is discussed, it’s usually from one of two perspectives.
The has-been: someone who has been single and subsequently, has found their person! The spouse they’ve been waiting for and are blissfully happy and so in love. In their blissful state, they boldly exclaim to just know that you will find exactly what they have found when the time is right. (to all of you in this category: I am so happy for you.) : -)
The thirty, flirty, and thriving (throw any age in there) single person who is living their *best* life… on Instagram. But really, behind the scenes, when the cameras aren’t flashing, the poses have ended, and the couch becomes the most comfortable place to snuggle up in a blanket and binge-watch reality tv… actual reality is a very different story.
It seems rare for someone who is actually single to vulnerably opens themselves up – at the risk of criticism, backlash, sympathy and even pity – to share about both the good and bad days while actually being single.
In the culture we’ve built – dare I say especially within the church across America – we’ve nearly placed singleness in this category of “a waiting period only for the purpose of finding a spouse and getting married… all in due time.” It’s been labeled a precursor of sorts. A preview to the movie premiere of our life …that apparently doesn’t begin until “I do.”
It’s like that old jingle or rhyme, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” The keyword to this little jingle is first. “First comes love.” But that’s not what comes first. There is so much more to our lives before this may happen. It’s the single, unmarried life.
Now, before any or all of you immediately begin to get defensive, aggressive, judgmental, or downright angry, let me make a few disclaimers:
I am NOT opposed to marriage, nor do I oppose the church being an advocate for marriage. In fact, my heart longs for marriage some days. I believe in God’s good design of natural marriage between one woman and one man.
I do not believe it is wrong to be thirty – nineteen, twenty-two, eighty-four, or any other age –and thriving! Enjoy life! Live your best life now! When we read Ecclesiastes, that is one thing I hear King Solomon saying: Enjoy the pleasures of life …within the design God has made for us to thrive. Ultimately what Solomon is saying with all the wisdom and discernment given to him by God is that all the things of this world and this life are meaningless in the end and don’t come with us after we pass into eternity. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy the blessings that God has created or allowed us to innovate while we are here!
I also do not discourage happiness OR an incredible love story. It is beautiful when God brings together two people to commit to be in covenant for the rest of their lives regardless of all their faults, flaws, and failures. With that description… it’s miraculous even!
But here’s the problem with the all-too-common perspective of singleness as a mere waiting season:
THIS season is A season. THIS season is still a part of our journey. THIS is our story. God still has plans and a purpose for THIS season. He isn’t waiting to give you a purpose and a calling after the “I do’s” and the name change from Miss to Mrs. He already has plans – GOOD PLANS – for you right now.
The other problem with this mentality is that we cannot actually say that everyone will get married. We don’t know that. There are many believers who have waited and longed and hoped for that day, even dreamed of that life, but have never walked down the aisle into that season.
This can be a desire for many who do not ever actually experience marriage.
And let me also add an aside right here. It is okay to go through a process of lamenting and grieving something you have desired that hasn’t happened. We all have those things, but this is a big one. We don’t always see the full tapestry that God is weaving with our lives and our stories and how everything will work together for good. We trust his sovereignty and good plans, but we still are living by faith without always having full knowledge or understanding of why. Why – when it seems like this is the one thing we really desire – have we not experienced it?
It's also not wrong to ask why.
Jesus himself asked God why. He cried out to God when he was hanging from the cross, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”
Matthew 27:46 About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”). (NIV)
He didn’t ask a what or a how question. He asked why. And he asked why his Father – his God – had forsaken him. The weight of that question is so heavy. While the weight of being single and unmarried isn’t the same as bearing the weight of the world’s sin on the cross, to some, it can feel like a part of you is missing.
I’ve asked this question many times. Don’t get me wrong, being single has some great opportunities and freedoms that don’t walk down the aisle with you into a marriage, and especially once kids are in the picture. But when there is a desire in our hearts, it is okay to take some time to grieve and lament when that desire hasn’t been met.
We can’t always know why God does or doesn’t allow things to take place in our lives. What we can be sure of is his absolute and unique love for each of his children, his good plans and purpose for each of us, and his constant working on our behalf, “for our good.” Here’s is what His Word says:
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. (ESV)
Romans 8:28 - And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (ESV)
I encourage you to read through these complete chapters of scripture as well. There is so much more that he promises and offers lovingly, in abundance, and without limit, to his children.
Scripture is clear. We know that our powerful and all-knowing God has plans for each of his children. We know that those plans are good plans that will accomplish his purpose. But we should not just know this, we should be celebrating anyone who God has called to be single, whether for a season or for their lifetime.
Paul says this about being single: I wish everyone were single, just as I am. (I Corinthians 7:7 NLT)
Yes! You saw that right! He actually thought that it was better to be single than married!
There was purpose and reason for this of course. He makes this bold statement to help us understand being single allows us to have the time, freedom, and ability to fully commit to serve the Lord, without other responsibilities taking any time from that one purpose. He also clarifies that this is his opinion and not an actual command from the Lord (see verses 12 and 25).
Further into his letter to the church at Corinth, he goes on to say in verses 32 – 35:
An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.
His whole rationale for this perspective was to help us understand that our calling and ministry changes if we are married. Simply put: our entire purpose and focus cannot be solely on ministry if we are married. We have a new calling if we enter marriage. Married, our calling now includes our earthly responsibilities to our spouse, and then also to our children. (v. 33) But if we are single, we have the ability and freedom to spend our time freely doing the Lord’s work.
Think about it. Let’s build a day in the life of those who are single.
Wake up,
maybe make some breakfast or drink some coffee,
spend time with the Lord,
enjoy getting some fresh air in some way,
spend time with friends to be able to share what’s on your heart and mind,
take the afternoon to do something you’ve been wanting to try or do that allows you to feel fulfilled and have fun enjoying the freedom God’s allowed you to have. This could look like doing something outside in God’s amazing creation, or a road trip, a blog or podcast, or some extreme sport, or just laying in a hammock or on the beach soaking in the sun,
and then spend an evening with a small group or other believers in prayer, edifying each other, studying the scripture together, and making plans and dreams that fulfill the calling and purpose God has placed over your life.
Now, for those of you who are married, and especially for those of you who have kids… you are probably laughing right now. You may have started laughing as you began to read about soaking in the sun on the beach, and now, that laughing has slowly turned to crying or lamenting, because you can’t even remember the last time you’ve had a day – or even an hour – that resembled any part of this!
It’s okay to miss days that looked like this, even in part. Between the needs and wants of your spouse, the combination of your schedules, the work needed in marriage, the time invested into each other – it is simply not feasible to do everything described in this day of someone who is single. And it shouldn’t it be! According to God’s Word, you now have other responsibilities.
For those of you with kids, this elevates things to a whole new level. I don’t have kids… but I have helped families with their kids, and it is nonstop! Learning to talk, walk, eat; sharing; discovering the world; cleaning up messes; crying; every activity; carpool; learning and schooling; sports and games; family time; teaching life lessons; and the list could go on and on and on. The point is the same for those with kids: you now have other responsibilities beyond “the Lord’s work.” This doesn’t imply that what you are doing isn’t ordained by the Lord and doesn’t make an impact for eternity. Of course, it does! Marriage and family are amazing gifts from God! But they require time, attention, and bandwidth that can’t be used for any other purpose.
While each of these seasons of life have their own set of challenges and difficulties, they also have unique and different reasons to be celebrated. None of these seasons are simply a waiting season to move into the next.
God doesn’t skip over any one season of our lives.
He wants us to live life, and live it abundantly, in every season!
So, let’s celebrate those who are in the season that so many people simply view as a waiting season.
If you are single, I want to challenge you to truly take some dedicated time to seek the heart of God. Ask him what he has for you in THIS season. If you need time to lament, take that time. But then ask God to give you an attitude and perspective of celebration. Ask him to show you what good plans he has for you in THIS season. Celebrate that you have freedom to serve Him fully …right now! Take time to grow, learn, and thrive in your relationship with him and with others. Singleness is a special gift. We just have to accept it and then enjoy it!
